I think ALL parents need to be reminded that it's okay to be human and to teach their children the same. Of course, kids must learn there are consequences for actions, everyone makes mistakes, when and how to apologize, etc. Real-life examples are so helpful, especially to new parents. I raised three (wonderful) children and always appreciated hearing about strategies that work! Good luck with your book!
As a mother of 4 children and 5 grandchildren I would love insight on how to divert children from excessive screen time without sounding like a mean nag .
I would also like insight on how to motivate grandchildren to love to help .
Catherine, Thank you for your ideas. I am going to write a chapter on technology next. I think it is something that many caregivers struggle with right now.
Dr Jenn as a mother of 4 stroppy children and now 5 grand children I appreciate your transparent communication style. I would love insight on how to help teenagers through grief specifically the death of a parent .
I would also love insight on helping teenagers self forgive for wrong choices even when they have tried suicide.
Looking forward to reading further chapters of your book. Cheers Catherine ❤️
This is a great article. It is so important for parents, who never ever feel like they did enough, to realize that even the “experts” feel like they aren’t always getting it right. Yes, please do a book!
Your parenting style is enlightened, compared to what I encountered last weekend when I was selling my woodwork at a craft show. I'd love to know how I might have reacted in such a way as to have helped that child. Here is the setup: At a craft show I did last weekend, pleasant, friendly encounters with customers were the norm. But one interaction was disturbing.
A couple with a young son, probably under five years old, stopped. Father and son stood just outside my booth. The mom was looking at my sewing tools. She was very, very pregnant, and very happy to acknowledge it. She commented, in fact, that in two weeks she’d be having a C-section but actually felt like the baby may have already dropped.
My 1-year-old grand-daughter had a very difficult birth so I asked about pre-eclampsia.
No, that wasn’t happening with this mom, but her first labor had gone on for twenty hours before they brought him out via C-section. And she’d just as soon skip the labor part altogether this time!
I glanced in the boy’s direction at this comment, while she continued chatting away, wondering aloud about whether she really needed this or that tool at this particular time.
Some tension was clearly developing between boy and dad, who had a firm grip on one of the child’s hands. I saw no defiance in the boy’s face. Only worry, maybe fear. The man was speaking in a threatening manner about him correcting some behavior, “or else!” (I couldn’t discern what was at issue between them.) He warned the child that he had until the count “of three.”
I glanced back to the mom, to see if their situation had caught her attention. (Not a bit.) Again I heard, “One, (pause), two, (pause)”... The boy’s face was truly fearful at this point, but he never uttered a word. And apparently had stopped the offensive transgression.
My attention went back to the mom, as I tried to encourage a delay to her decision, maybe take my business card and shop online, once her pregnancy was less distracting?
Really I just wanted them to move along because I heard that threatening countdown again (at least once, maybe twice more). And I soon noticed something else disturbing about the father. He held onto the boy with his left hand, but the entire back of his right hand (and traveling up his forearm) was the most fearsome tattoo depicting an open-mouthed, shrieking, dreadful gargoyle with blood dripping off its fangs and fire shooting out its eyes.
I wanted to tell that father he should shut himself up and learn how to parent with more reason and compassion, and that the manner of his threatening “discipline” technique was tantamount to child abuse. (What will that innocent infant have in store, two weeks hence, I wonder?)
My heart wrestled with my head about intervening in some way. Maybe try to lightheartedly suggest the youngster might like to try his hand at spinning the little tops I had set for just his age group. But the tension in the air between them was screaming, “Don’t interfere or I’ll unleash holy hell on you and MORE on him!!” So I kept silent, basically stopped encouraging the mom’s interest in shopping, and just willed them away.
Whew! So, yeah, great idea to teach parents how to parent compassionately. But how to get someone like him to pick up your book? Or how to advise someone like me who encounters someone like him, doing it all wrong!
Hi, I think you did many things right in a difficult situation. You wanted to intervene and talk to the father, but your gut told you that doing so could make things worse for the child, and I think you were right. The only thing that I would add has to do with anonymous reporting. If you have a reason to suspect child abuse (seeing the father abuse the child, seeing marks on the child), then you can make an anonymous report. I don't know what state you are in. I'm in California and the number is 1-800-4ACHILD (800-422-4453). To prevent you feeling uncomfortable in the future, you might want to have shorter discussions with pregnant women, unless you agree with their birth plans. Please be kind to yourself. Thank you so much for describing what happened and for your feedback on the article. Take care.
I think ALL parents need to be reminded that it's okay to be human and to teach their children the same. Of course, kids must learn there are consequences for actions, everyone makes mistakes, when and how to apologize, etc. Real-life examples are so helpful, especially to new parents. I raised three (wonderful) children and always appreciated hearing about strategies that work! Good luck with your book!
Hi, thanks for the response. I will make sure to include real-life examples. Good point.
Dr Jen
Love your transparent writing .
As a mother of 4 children and 5 grandchildren I would love insight on how to divert children from excessive screen time without sounding like a mean nag .
I would also like insight on how to motivate grandchildren to love to help .
Cheers Catherine ❤️
Catherine, Thank you for your ideas. I am going to write a chapter on technology next. I think it is something that many caregivers struggle with right now.
Dr Jenn as a mother of 4 stroppy children and now 5 grand children I appreciate your transparent communication style. I would love insight on how to help teenagers through grief specifically the death of a parent .
I would also love insight on helping teenagers self forgive for wrong choices even when they have tried suicide.
Looking forward to reading further chapters of your book. Cheers Catherine ❤️
This is a great article. It is so important for parents, who never ever feel like they did enough, to realize that even the “experts” feel like they aren’t always getting it right. Yes, please do a book!
Thank you Hilary.
Your parenting style is enlightened, compared to what I encountered last weekend when I was selling my woodwork at a craft show. I'd love to know how I might have reacted in such a way as to have helped that child. Here is the setup: At a craft show I did last weekend, pleasant, friendly encounters with customers were the norm. But one interaction was disturbing.
A couple with a young son, probably under five years old, stopped. Father and son stood just outside my booth. The mom was looking at my sewing tools. She was very, very pregnant, and very happy to acknowledge it. She commented, in fact, that in two weeks she’d be having a C-section but actually felt like the baby may have already dropped.
My 1-year-old grand-daughter had a very difficult birth so I asked about pre-eclampsia.
No, that wasn’t happening with this mom, but her first labor had gone on for twenty hours before they brought him out via C-section. And she’d just as soon skip the labor part altogether this time!
I glanced in the boy’s direction at this comment, while she continued chatting away, wondering aloud about whether she really needed this or that tool at this particular time.
Some tension was clearly developing between boy and dad, who had a firm grip on one of the child’s hands. I saw no defiance in the boy’s face. Only worry, maybe fear. The man was speaking in a threatening manner about him correcting some behavior, “or else!” (I couldn’t discern what was at issue between them.) He warned the child that he had until the count “of three.”
I glanced back to the mom, to see if their situation had caught her attention. (Not a bit.) Again I heard, “One, (pause), two, (pause)”... The boy’s face was truly fearful at this point, but he never uttered a word. And apparently had stopped the offensive transgression.
My attention went back to the mom, as I tried to encourage a delay to her decision, maybe take my business card and shop online, once her pregnancy was less distracting?
Really I just wanted them to move along because I heard that threatening countdown again (at least once, maybe twice more). And I soon noticed something else disturbing about the father. He held onto the boy with his left hand, but the entire back of his right hand (and traveling up his forearm) was the most fearsome tattoo depicting an open-mouthed, shrieking, dreadful gargoyle with blood dripping off its fangs and fire shooting out its eyes.
I wanted to tell that father he should shut himself up and learn how to parent with more reason and compassion, and that the manner of his threatening “discipline” technique was tantamount to child abuse. (What will that innocent infant have in store, two weeks hence, I wonder?)
My heart wrestled with my head about intervening in some way. Maybe try to lightheartedly suggest the youngster might like to try his hand at spinning the little tops I had set for just his age group. But the tension in the air between them was screaming, “Don’t interfere or I’ll unleash holy hell on you and MORE on him!!” So I kept silent, basically stopped encouraging the mom’s interest in shopping, and just willed them away.
Whew! So, yeah, great idea to teach parents how to parent compassionately. But how to get someone like him to pick up your book? Or how to advise someone like me who encounters someone like him, doing it all wrong!
Hi, I think you did many things right in a difficult situation. You wanted to intervene and talk to the father, but your gut told you that doing so could make things worse for the child, and I think you were right. The only thing that I would add has to do with anonymous reporting. If you have a reason to suspect child abuse (seeing the father abuse the child, seeing marks on the child), then you can make an anonymous report. I don't know what state you are in. I'm in California and the number is 1-800-4ACHILD (800-422-4453). To prevent you feeling uncomfortable in the future, you might want to have shorter discussions with pregnant women, unless you agree with their birth plans. Please be kind to yourself. Thank you so much for describing what happened and for your feedback on the article. Take care.